It’s been over a week since we heard the saddening news about Jose Fernandez, 24 year old pitcher for the Florida Marlins who died in a boat accident. I remember reading the news aloud from my Facebook feed that Saturday morning, and catching the attention of two not-so-normally-attentive little boys eating breakfast and watching Teen Titans.
I received a call from my sister shortly after, asking if G was around to talk because my nephews wanted to talk to him about what happened. It’s startling how this accident has impacted the boys in this manner. You (unfortunately) hear about people passing away everyday, but there was something about Fernandez that hit a sensitive chord for the boys.
At the Little League fields later that day, I’d hear conversations in passing between other parents:
“Is it true?”
“Did it really happen?”
All the while keeping the baseball spirit high for their little guys playing their hearts out.
Opening Up
Driving to baseball practice later this week, my little one said that it was unfair and that everyone was dying (we heard about Arnold Palmer’s passing the same day); that Jose was too young. I responded with, “I agree with you wholeheartedly. It isn’t fair and I wish I had something more comforting to say to you. All I can say is to live each day to its fullest.”
Such a conversation I didn’t want to be having with my 9 year old. I don’t want him to have to think that way, albeit as upbeat as it could be. Live each day to its fullest? He shouldn’t have to worry about that – he shouldn’t have to worry about much other than being a kid, doing his homework, and playing with his friends. I feel the need to take this pain, fear, sadness from him but I don’t know how.
One Way to Help Kids Handle Grief
On a later phone call with my parents, my nephew B expressed his sadness so my dad recommended he write a letter to Jose’s family, conveying his condolences and feelings. I thought this was a great way to help explain his emotions – to get them out.
Below is B’s letter to the Fernandez family:
To the family of Jose Fernandez,
I am super sorry of what happened to Jose. He was a very special baseball player to me. Is there anything I can do to help you guys? I’ll always remember him and think of him. My friends and cousin are also super sad. Me and my friend Kollen pray for him ever single day at lunch.
He also thought to write to David Ortiz, Big Papi.
B’s letter to Big Papi:
Dear David Ortiz,
I am super sorry of what happened to Jose Fernandez. I knew that you two were really good friends. I remember in the All Star game Jose Fernandez threw a pitch and it hit you and you were laughing. And I remember the day after he sadly passed away when they made the announcements about what happened you were crying. I was also crying when I figured it out. Let’s go Red Sox!
Other Ways to Help Your Child Deal with Death
There are a few other ways that can help your child deal with death.
- Be honest. It is important to be honest and straightforward to the best of the child’s understanding.
- Use simple words that he or she will understand.
- Memorialize. You can create a memorial in honor of the person – something as simple as a decorated poster or a drawing of the person. Planting a tree would be a great way as well.
- Be available. Be ready to answer any questions he or she may have. Take into consideration his or her age and level of understanding.
- Hug, hug and hug some more. A little extra affection can go a long way to comfort. Sometimes a big hug can make anyone feel a little better.
Death is something no one wants to talk about, even as adults. I’m 40 and I shy away from it, but I know I need to be strong for my kiddos. What ways have you used to help someone cope?
DT says
Agree with all of it— so important to keep the honest communication open and just be there.
— DT | Here I Scribble
Dana says
Completely! Thanks for stopping by 🙂
Shane says
Great insight for when I one day have kids. Death is never easy but writing a letter sounds like a great way to relieve fear and sadness.
Dana says
Thanks Shane. As you said, I agree that death isn’t easy to talk about, regardless of age.
Donna Ward says
This was a beautiful post – Yes it is so sad to hear about young and older people passing – you’ve handled this spectacularly – and the letters were so special. Thank you for sharing.
Dana says
Thank you Donna. I am so proud of my nephew – he is so sweet and I am so proud he was able to express himself in writing. 🙂
Stephanie Jeannot says
This is a great topic to discuss. People take death int heir own way and you never know how someone will handle it, if they do at all. Especially kids.
Dana says
Thank you, Stephanie. I agree, you never know, regardless of age how anyone will handle death.
Pam says
Those are great insights. My children were 8 and 4 when their grandmother died and it was so difficult to talk to them. I like the idea of writing a letter.
Dana says
Pam, did they understand what happened when their grandmother passed? I know it’s hard at any age, but it has to be so difficult to even understand the finality at such young ages.
Jenn says
We are lucky to not have had to deal with major loss in our family. I have a feeling that losing grandparents is not far off. Thanks for these tips to help with this issue in the future.
Dana says
I am glad this post could help Jenn. I have the same feeling you do, and deep down I know I need to prepare myself in order to be strong and guide my children.
Heather says
Sad! My kids have not experienced loss yet. I hope it’s not soon either, but learning how to deal with that while you are a child, might actually help with empathy for others later on….not that I wish that on any child.
Dana says
I agree with you Heather in that learning while they are young (not wanting to wish it on them either), may help them later on in life. I know it’s hard at any age but to know how to cope is so helpful.
Jacqui @TradesofJacqui says
It is important to make sure children know it’s ok to express their grief and that you are there for them to talk to. That there are different stages of grief and don’t let anyone minimize how they feel. Great post!
Dana says
Thank you Jacqui. You said it perfectly when you mentioned the importance of letting the kids know that no one should minimize how they feel.
Tammileetips says
This is great information!!! Grief even as an adult can be so hard to deal with, so important to recognize the stages of grief.
Dana says
Thank you Tammi Lee. It is hard to deal with at any age, I completely agree with you!
Jeanine says
its so important to talk to kids and help them deal with grief. I lost my mom when i was 16, and then my grandparents within a week of each other at 19 and I never was spoken to about grief and it was really hard for me to deal with.
Dana says
I am so sorry you had to experience that so young. Both of my grandparents passed within a week of each other when I was 18. I completely understand. 🙁
krystal says
This was just a sweet idea to have him write letters. My husband was a sports reporter who covered Jose Fernandez here in Florida many times. The news rocked our household too.
Dana says
I agree, Krystal. Writing the letters really helped him too!
Jennifer says
Great tips, it’s so hard losing someone you love. I also shy away from it. I still have all my grandparents and feel so fortunate.
Dana says
Thanks Jennifer! I too usually try to skirt the situation, as I fear it too. By helping my boys to handle it, it has helped me as well!
Chrishelle says
My father died when my kids were young. It was hard since we knew he had a terminal illness and had to watch their PaPa die. Honesty and communication is the only way we handled his passing.